Hello! How are you? It had been years since we saw each other. Had you been well? I am writing you now because I have a lot that I wanted to say to you; things that I never told you before.
Papa, I admit I had been a bad girl, a terrible daughter to you and mommy. I have done a lot of things that I know both of you will never be proud of. I had always been arguing with you and mommy and never listened to both of your advises even though I know you only meant well. There are a lot of times where in we will not talk for days because of some small argument that we had. At times when we get into heated arguments you would end up hitting me; I know it was my entire fault because I would never shut up and just listen to you. . I was a jerk, a really stubborn selfish brat, the black sheep of the family. But even though I was like that you never stopped loving and caring for me; though you don’t show it but I could feel it.
Honestly, during those times I know you were struggling to survive and fight cancer and I was having issues of my own. I was shouldering all of my problems simply because I don’t want you and mom to worry about me. I thought I was doing the right thing but I was not. I was also struggling to get accepted in school because for some reasons I ended up being the weird kid and a loner. As I was struggling, I ended up living in a world of lies and make believe world that I made; living in someone else’s shoe. For years I was pretending to be someone else and lying to myself to the point of I lost my own identity just so I could fit in but I never did. Looking back now, it was the most foolish thing that I did. Because of that I was lost and was never been able to be by your side where I was supposed to be. Worst, I treated you harshly and so disrespectful when all you want from me is to understand and take care of you.
Papa, how I wish I could turn back the time so I could see you again and make things right. I would rather choose to be by your side and help you fight cancer than to worry about fitting in to this cruel society. I blame myself for not being there for you. Honetly, I blame myself for not being there for you when you needed me the most. I wish I was able to show you how much I love you and how much you mean to me when I still have those opportunities to do so. But I was so busy struggling to win a senseless fight.
I know you told me once that when you’re gone it might be too late for me to regret and apologize for all the terrible things I did. But I really feel terrible and even though I know that you had been gone for how many years now I still want you to know I’m sorry for that I had been a bad child. I’m sorry for notr being able to take care of you during those times that you were fighting cancer. I also wanted you to know that I miss you terribly. I miss the food you used to cook for me even though we were having a fight. I miss those times that you will wake me up early in the morning during vacation just so we could exercise together. I miss going to the beach with you. I miss seeing you do your gardening everyday. I miss seeing the roses bloom in our garden they had stopped producing flowers when you were gone. I miss hearing you sing out loud while you listen to your favorite Chinese songs. Most importantly and I know I never said this to you not even once… I love you, Papa.
Someday, I know our paths would cross and we will see each other again; I just hpe you would still remember me. And if that day comes I promise to tell these things to you and to tell you directly that how sorry I am for not being there and for not showing how much I love you. Papa, I love you and I really miss you so much.