I am Kelly, I am 32 years old. I had a confession; something that happened to me a very long time ago and kept to myself all this time. A very painful experience in my life that I had problem opening up; I guess you can call it pride or shame but it is something hard for me to accept and speak about.
Since I was a child I was always alone; no friends, no playmates, no nothing except of course my family. I’ve always had this feeling of being unwanted and avoided; it felt like I was not and would never be part of the society. No matter how hard I try to please everyone, to fit in and get accepted and noticed by the people, I was always pushed away. “Happy childhood memories” never entered my vocabulary list.
My schoolmates love to make fun of me for some reasons that up until now I never understood. They would always laugh at me and make a fool out of me. They would spread nasty rumours about me and during lunch I would always eat alone because no one wants to sit with me. I would walk down the hallway with some paper sticking at my back with a message ranging from “kick me” to “some nasty words they decided to call me. There are times that some of them would talk to me and ask me to do things for them which I would gladly obey because at some point there was hope that I would be able to finally “fit in.” But it would only result to me getting in trouble and in the end getting them to laugh at me for being so gullible. I tried to man up and confronted them but ended up gaining more enemies. I tried to report them to my professors and my schoolmates would just reverse the story; my professors would easily believe them as I already had a track record of being non behavioural student and being a liar due to circumstances that I never wanted.
There was some point, I was able to gain a friend or two but it would only last for a certain period of time. They would get entangled into my “unlucky situation” and I had no choice but to push them away just so they won’t be dragged into the mess I am at. I tried transferring school but it seems like I was born to suffer and get tortured.
Each school year; from grade school to university it would all be the same thing over and over until such time that I got used to the whole situation. Don’t get me wrong, I love to study but was never fond of waking up in the morning just to get to school; I would do everything I can just so I won’t have to go to school; from pretending not to be able to wake up on time to making a drama of being really sick. Sometimes it would work and my parents won’t let me go to school but most of the time it does not work.
I couldn’t let anyone know about what was happening to me, most especially my parents. I never want them to worry about me. I never want them to be one of the problems that they need to worry about. At that time, my dad had been fighting for cancer for years while my mom was busy attending to our business just so we won’t have to worry about money. At the same time she was taking care of my dad. My older brother was too engrossed to himself that he does not care a damn what’s happening with his siblings. My older sister was one of the “it” girl at school, I am not sure if she would be able to understand what I was going through.
I always put on a happy face every time I face them. I acted cool and would lie about what was happening to me at school. I wanted them to think that everything’s fine with me. I thought I had everything under control but what I never expect was the change within me. I slowly became distant to my family, I was easily irritated, mood swings coming from nowhere, and emotionally unstable. I was like a volcano slowly boiling up and will eventually explode.
The sweet, bubbly girl, who always smiled at them, became a total stranger to them. The relationship with my family is slowly getting affected like a piece of paper slowly being torn apart. I became confused and could not understand what was happening to me and my family. They are slowly slipping farther and farther away from me. It made me feel so unwanted and unloved. Then, my mother gave birth to my younger sister and all their attention were focused on her, it made me so jealous and had made me feel more unwanted and unloved. I became the problematic, rebellious child; a child that no parents would ever want.
During those times, I had a few failed relationships; I got into these relationships thinking that I would be able find and get the love and acceptance that I had been longing for. Some treated like trash; some are simply just want to have fun some would lie saying how serious they are to me but would eventually get caught cheating on me with other women. But no matter what they do to me I clung on to my lovers like a person hanging on a cliff for his life; I did things they asked me to do even though deep inside I never want to do it, at some point, I even beg them not to leave me; all these I do just because I thought they are the “one” and most importantly I was afraid of being left alone. If one relationship comes to an end I would make sure to quickly find a replacement; then the whole process would just happen again.
I grew up to be insecure, loser, lonely, miserable, had low self-esteem, cold, immature, selfish, suicidal and ashamed of myself. And even though I got used to these situations of being bullied and pushed away the pain that I felt from the inside was still the same. Though I was never hurt physically but emotionally I was drained. My heart had been broken and shattered to pieces over and over. The pain that I felt just gets even more painful like a dagger that cuts deeper and deeper that is killing me slowly. I felt so useless and attempted to end my life each opportunity that I had but would only be unsuccessful.
Anger, revenge and hatred filled my heart. I managed to live in two different worlds for each day I have to wake up and wear a mask to hide the fact that I am slowly withering inside. I was somewhat an actor with the whole world as my stage. I learned to act and lie at an early age; lying, acting and making up stories to each and everyone I met in hopes that they would like that part of me. Heck, I even lie to myself. It became a sick habit of mine to the point of I couldn’t tell which are lies and which are not. Each day there would always be a battle within me; part of me just wanted to stop all these nonsense that I was doing and part of me just wanted to keep lying to please the society. Yes I let the society dictate how I should look and live my life. That part of me will always win that battle because no matter how hard I deny society would loves you if you let them tell you how you should live your life.
All those years I just kept it to myself. All those years it was all about how to please other people and try to fit in that I completely forgot about me. No one understood me; no one even tries to ask what was wrong. All these years, I kept on denying that there is something wrong with me. I was into these horrible lies that I hardly know myself any longer. Thought it was the right thing to do to lie and deny even to myself. I have to live up to the standards that the society has imposed us to believe what’s right. I have to do this not that even if it’s against my will. I have to lie on a daily basis to a point where years passed by and the lies just grew bigger and bigger. It’s like I am digging my own grave with each lie getting deeper and deeper. My whole life is in a complete mess. I knew I had to stop but I don’t know how. My body and soul is getting tired from living in two different worlds and I was on the verge of losing my sanity.
As though God had heard my cry for help; I was given the opportunity to rest, think and re-evaluate myself. It had made me realized that in order to “fix’ my life I need to unmask and start believing in myself. I need to stop telling lies and try to please the society because reality knocks you will never be able to please everyone! Call it stupid or naïve or whatever other freaking stupid name you would like to call me but from here on, I would live my life the way how I want it to be. It won’t be easy as I know there will be another struggle from within; like a war, good versus evil, in the end who will win? Nobody will know.
It had been two years since I started to live without my mask; honestly it is a hard battle because your mortal enemy is your own. Up until now there are still struggles from within; but I know I have to do this if I want to get my life back; to let go of my pass and forgive those that had hurt me. The first year of trial was a complete failure; because when I was able to realize my flaws, reality also hit me that I am already in my thirties. Meaning to say, I only have little time left for me to make myself as whole person. So I hurry up my supposed to be healing process but each time that I feel threatened or hurt it’s automatic that my other persona would come out.
Old habits die hard; that saying is true. For almost all the years of my life I lived in two different worlds; it will take a lot of time for me to be able to heal and recover. I decided to take things slowly if I really wanted to break free from those two different worlds that I created. I had wasted most years of my life with all the lies and make belief world I created. At my age, it is really embarrassing to admit that I had only realized how cowardly and stupid of me to not bravely faced these obstacles that were given to me. I have been trying to please a society who in reality has so high standards on how each and every person lives; a society who already judge you because of the way you look. I am really trying hard to get back on track and hope that it won’t be too late for me to have a fresh start. I wanted to be free, to be happy as a whole person as the real me. I know I won’t be able to get back the precious, wasted time that gone by. Still, if only I would be able to achieve even just half of the dreams I had before then I will probably not ask for anything else.
Looking back now, I can say that I might have done some hurtful things to those people that have hurt me before; I am not a saint I did terrible things to myself and to a lot of people. And from the bottom of my heart I wanted to apologise for it. I am not asking for you to forgive me right away because honestly, I haven’t forgotten about the past and I still am processing everything; so I cannot say that I have forgiven all those people that hurt me in the past but I know that it will be next as I was able to let go of this painful story.
I will take things slowly as that what I am going through right now would really require time and effort. I am aware that I am not getting younger by the minute but I am willing to do whatever it takes for me to get back on track as a whole person; I more than willing to try and learn new things just so to make things right. It does not matter if I grew old alone or if people still does not want me; so long as from now on til the rest of my life will live a happy life without hurting anyone then I can peacefully leave.
It had taken me all these years to gather up the courage to be able to openly talk about these because I know somehow, somewhere I need to let it out for me to be able to have a new beginning in life. From here onwards I will live my life according to how I want it to be, how I know would make me happy each and single day. If anyone said anything on how I should live my life; I would tell them to fuck off and live their own life. I will not let anyone dictate how I should live or look like anymore, I am not going back into that dark whole ever again. I am Kelly and this is my story; a confession of a girl who just wanted to fit in.