Almost 34 years of my life was wasted because I have a troubled past, a life full of BS, I learned to create a world of my own to mask my true feelings. That certain world became my sanctuary where I can be myself and escape reality but the problem with the world I created was when reality sinks in all the things that I’ve been trying to ran away from would come and haunt me.
For those who doesn’t know, I was bullied most my school years, I was not able to experience a happy, normal childhood days and the chance to have so called ‘friends’, I just didn’t fit in. Back then I kept everything to myself because I know my family had enough stuffs to worry about, my father who was battling cancer was just one of them and I do not want to add to the things they need to worry about. Each day would be the same; I would go to school end up crying, would dry my tears before going home and pretend that everything is fine then when I am all alone would continue crying until I fall asleep.
I never realized that I started hating myself, hating people around me, hating the world itself. I learned to push people away for fear that they will end up getting hurt as I am, I learned to be a bully myself just to mask the pain and anger that I am feeling that just keeps on growing every single day. I had no friends and so I have no one to talk to, I felt so alone because I am. I became suicidal; I remember cutting my wrist and let it bled only to wake up the next day alive with a pool of my blood. I would get a handkerchief wrap it around my wrist and go to school pretending that everything is fine. My suicidal attempts did not end there I had several more but was always not successful.
I was so caught up with my own pain, sufferings and struggles that I became so selfish, rude, not caring for other people’s feelings, I became rebellious, the black sheep of the family, I became a totally different person. I did a lot of terrible, stupid decisions and life choices that when things got out hand would simply blame it to other people. I never care if I hurt or step on other people just to get what I want. I got into toxic relationships just so to feel loved and needed. Most of all I learned how to wear different mask everyday just to please other people and had this certain sense that I belong. But once I am all alone in my room reality will strike and I know that all of it never made me really happy. It was all make belief, the friendships, the relationships, the laughter, and the smiles.
I kept on dwelling on my past and I have a lot of ‘what ifs’ on my mind. But I never accepted the fact that I was broken and needed help, I simply blame other people for my misfortunes and terrible life choices. It is much easier than to accept the fact that there is something wrong with me. Few years ago, I was able to read an article about moving on (I was not able to save the link, though), it stated that in order for you to be able to move on is to leave the past in the past. It was somehow an awakening for me and was finally able to accept the fact that I am broken from inside out. Slowly, I began picking up the bits and pieces of me and put it back together, it was not easy for it had been years and years of being broken over and over. But I was able to get back on my feet and thought I was finally been able to free myself from the dark world that I created.
Simply thinking that you are ready and had move on is really not enough for once I stepped out into the world, a rain storm of rocks came tumbling on the ‘new me’ and crashing me to hundreds of pieces once again. Just like that I was back to the dark place I thought I had escaped. It is not hard to get back into that dark world where I had been comfortably escaping reality. It such an inviting place, I am happy there but it is all part of my imagination. Have spent almost 34 years of my life being there and a let a lot of time and opportunities passed by.
June is my birth month, and it’s just few hours away before my 35th birthday as I am writing this post, I am determined to leave my past where it really belongs, in the past and focus on my present life and persevere. But this time I will take things slowly, and do something that I was not able to do before, to love and forgive my past self, to forgive all the people that have hurt me and to apologize for all those people that I have hurt (I know there are many as I know I became a b**ch). I am not in the best version of myself yet but I know I am in my ‘better’ version than before. I know I am not getting any younger but I do hope that I will still be given a chance to have a fresh start.
Closing chapters in your life does not mean that you are forgetting them it only means that you are now ready to start a new chapter. The things that happened in the past should serve as lessons learned and the painful experiences I had are what made me stronger.
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